She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
