just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize