If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
