I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
