Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
