Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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