Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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