Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
