it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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