Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
