yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This is my gift to your gina
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There are leaves in my underwear?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
