He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You are a genius and a whore.
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