News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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