Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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