i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
