I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
