we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
