so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
