yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
