Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
