she woke up with a sticky ear
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Randomize
