So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
