i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
