aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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