I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
