update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
