I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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