I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
