No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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