I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
