dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
