Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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