Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
