so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
