Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
