This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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