apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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