I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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