mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
