Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
