The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I want to make a zoo with you.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
