I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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