Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
