i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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