So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
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