I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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