you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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