we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
