Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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