Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
