That's when you crack a 10am beer
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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