im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize