I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
organizing the empties. That sober.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Vodka?
Forever.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
