I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I booty called her while she was in labor.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
