Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize