New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
