Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize