My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
